So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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