sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
