Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
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