Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I smell stomach acid.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
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