The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
Drunk walkin through police station. America
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
