Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
