So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
No subtext here. People are naked.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
