I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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