bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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