MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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