just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Randomize
