walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
