I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
