I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Mom said you looked used
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
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