I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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