I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
