oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize