i dedicated my morning wood to you.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
