By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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