I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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