quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
