Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
