do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
