You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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