How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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