he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
