you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
