just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
