If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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