Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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