If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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