I was born with a shot glass in my hand
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
