he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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