i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
