before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
