He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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