In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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