sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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