hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
