Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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