dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
