Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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