Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
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