you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
