Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
