I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
