please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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