Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
