apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
