This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Text me some of your sweat
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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