Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
