I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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