Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
