I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
