Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize