I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
