my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
