I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
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