If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wish life had little blips of pornography
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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