We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
